The Trauma Bond: A Cycle of Normal and Chaos
Narcissists don’t rage at full throttle every day. After the storm, life can feel “normal-ish” again whatever that means in such a relationship. As days pass and calm settles in, you might start to doubt yourself: “Maybe I am the grudge-holder.
Maybe I should let it go.” This back-and-forth between chaos and calm, denial and doubt, is the trauma bond at work. It slowly erodes your sense of self, making you question your reactions instead of their actions.
Shifting the Focus: Your Reality Matters
For too long, the spotlight has been on why narcissists behave this way and why they’re dysregulated, ashamed, or insecure. But what about you? What does it do to live with someone who rages, denies it, and then shames you for stepping back? The dream of closure an apology, validation, or even just an acknowledgment rarely comes.
Holding out hope for it only drains you further. Healing starts when you trust your reality: Yes, the tantrum happened. No, they won’t own it. Yes, disengaging is wise. No, they won’t see your side.
Reclaiming Your Ground
You can’t change them, but you can protect yourself. Spend time with people who validate your experience, not gaslight you. Learn about these patterns. Seek therapy or support groups if you can. Focus on what matters to you, and stop pouring energy into pleasing the narcissist.
Their tantrums will still infuriate you rightly so but holding onto your truth is key, especially in relationships you can’t escape. You’re not alone in this; others endure it too. And while their shame isn’t your burden to carry, your healing is your responsibility and your right.
