The Grudge Accusation: Another Layer of Gaslighting
Here’s where it gets even more maddening. As you process the chaos, the narcissistic person might turn the tables: “Oh, you’re going to hold a grudge now, aren’t you? You can’t let anything go.” If they say this, it’s a small victory they’ve indirectly admitted something happened.
But it’s also a fresh gaslight, painting you as the problem, the one who clings to anger. They want everything to snap back to “normal” without facing their shame, leaving you to shoulder the emotional burden of their episode. Meanwhile, you’re expected to move on as if nothing occurred.
Double Standards and Betrayal Blindness
In a narcissistic relationship, there are two sets of rules: one for them, and one for everyone else. They can scream, rage, and hold grudges, but you’re supposed to let it go, stay silent, and never match their tantrums with your own. For many, this dynamic has been a lifelong pattern perhaps starting with a parent where addressing the behavior was never an option.
This breeds what’s called betrayal blindness: you adapt to survive, denying your reality to keep the peace. But it’s not sustainable. These episodes fray your nervous system, and suppressing your natural response to such unhinged behavior takes a toll.
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