2. Devaluing and Emotional Manipulation
So, number two: you’re going to enter into devaluing and emotional manipulation. Those two things go so beautifully hand-in-hand when you’re dealing with someone narcissistic. Once a narcissist knows that they have you like you’re committed now, you’re in love, and they get that now they’re going to start tearing you down. This is not going to be something that happens overnight.
It’s going to be very slow, but it’s going to kind of go up and down. So, one minute they love you; one minute they don’t. One minute they’re trying to build you up, and the next minute they’re just slowly starting to tear you down. The inconsistency is what makes you try harder because you want to get back to that honeymoon phase, that beginning phase because you think that that’s who that person is when it’s not.
So now the real them is going to start coming out, and here comes the real abuse: the criticizing, which makes you second-guess yourself, the gaslighting, the backhanded compliments. The goal of them is to keep you trying harder and making you feel insecure.
Because the goal is that I want you to feel like you’re doing something wrong, which is causing me to change. So, if you believe that story, then you’re always going to be looking for them to approve of you or be who they used to be. You’re not going to hold them accountable because you believe subconsciously that you’re the problem. This, of course, feeds their control and gives them validation that what they’re doing is working to get what they want from you.
3. Triangulation
Another tactic that narcissists use to get a narcissistic supply is triangulation. This is a big one where they start pinning people against each other. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re going to cheat on you because maybe you’re dealing with your mother, and she’s always pinning your sister and you against each other. It’s just about this dynamic in this triangulation of these three people: them being one, you being the other, and then the third person coming in.
The third person is who they have shared a story with and who buys into the narcissist’s BS. This is to just basically stir up some jealousy from you, or you’re feeling inadequate, or this sense of competition. Maybe they haven’t brought anyone into the equation, but maybe they just talk about their ex a lot.
So, it makes you feel like you have to be different or prove yourself to kind of win their love, win their attention. Maybe they just compare you to someone else. Maybe they just constantly are saying, “Why can’t you be more like this person?” This keeps you feeling insecure. This makes you desperate for their attention. “I’m never going to be good enough for you, am I?”
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