When a narcissist exerts control over a person, the tactics used are often subtle and manipulative, directly attacking the person’s sense of identity and self-worth. However, when this control begins to wane, the narcissist’s strategy changes drastically, resorting to more aggressive and overt methods to maintain their influence. It is precisely this desperate behavior that we want to examine today.
In this topic, I will outline seven typical behaviors of a narcissist when they realize they are losing control over you. We will see how their need for control, which for them is synonymous with power, manifests itself in increasingly clear and disturbing ways when they feel threatened.
I have ordered the list of behaviors in ascending order, starting with the subtler signs that appear when a narcissist feels they still have some control, up to the desperate and obvious gestures when they know they have lost all influence over you. By understanding these tactics, you will be better prepared to recognize and deal with these situations, protect your emotional well-being, and regain your autonomy.
Number 1: Fake Apology.
This behavior is particularly insidious because it creates the appearance of genuine remorse, while in reality, it is far from a true admission of guilt or commitment to change. A narcissist’s fake apology may sound like an apology, but it doesn’t explicitly acknowledge what was done or take responsibility for harmful actions. Phrases like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry if you interpreted things that way” are common.
These are not real apologies because they shift the responsibility for the hurt or misunderstanding onto the injured person and suggest that the offense is a matter of perception rather than concrete behavior.
Number 2: Hoovering and Discarding.
This cycle is one of the most characteristic and harmful manipulations narcissists use to maintain power over their victims. In the hoovering phase, the narcissist behaves exemplary and displays all the charming qualities that initially led the victim to fall in love with or trust them. They may appear extremely attentive, loving, and committed, reminiscent of the idealization phase at the beginning of the relationship.
This behavior is a calculated attempt to draw the victim back into the cycle of abuse and exploit any lingering feelings. However, once the narcissist feels they have regained the victim’s control and attention, the discarding phase begins. This phase can be sudden and cruel, with the narcissist withdrawing affection and attention, often leaving the victim confused, hurt, and destabilized. The goal is to leave the victim in a vulnerable emotional state and reinforce their emotional and psychological dependency on the abuser.
This pattern of hoovering and discarding is an intense manipulation that can have devastating effects on the victim’s self-esteem and mental health, as they find themselves trapped in a cycle of pain and reconciliation. The uncertainty and interruption of these interactions ensure that the victim remains hopeful and attached to the narcissist, unable to break the cycle without outside help or significant intervention.
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Number 3: “Accidental” Encounters.
In an attempt to regain control over a person, narcissists may resort to the tactic of “accidental” encounters. In this strategy, the narcissist meticulously plans to appear in places where they know the victim will be present. The goal is to surprise and evoke an emotional reaction by reminding the victim of their past connection and shared history, destabilizing their feelings. Narcissists are well aware of their victims’ routines and exploit this knowledge to stage these encounters as if they were coincidences.
They may choose locations like a local café, a place of worship, a park where the victim often goes for a walk, or another location that is part of the person’s daily routine. This way, the narcissist ensures that the victim cannot easily avoid the encounter.
These “accidental” encounters are designed to catch the victim off guard and exploit the emotional impact that the mere presence of the narcissist can have. Even if the person is determined to distance themselves or has already ended the relationship, the sudden appearance of the narcissist can rekindle old feelings or confusion.
The narcissist uses these encounters to gauge the victim’s vulnerability and, in many cases, attempt to re-establish some form of connection or relationship. They might use the encounter to demonstrate change or remorse, or simply to remind the victim of the good times all as part of a larger effort to regain influence and control.
The effectiveness of this tactic lies in the narcissist’s ability to provoke an emotional response that shakes the victim, even against their will, and possibly makes them more susceptible to other forms of manipulation. Therefore, these “accidental” encounters are a powerful tool in a narcissist’s arsenal, serving to maintain the cycle of control and abuse.
Number 4: Emotional Manipulation.
This kind of manipulation is a desperate attempt to regain control by exploiting the victim’s empathy and causing them to question their perception and reasoning. Narcissists are adept at playing with other people’s feelings, particularly those who show signs of empathy. They may portray themselves as victims of unjust circumstances or cruel treatment, depicting themselves as enduring significant hardship or suffering to gain the victim’s sympathy and motivate them to resume the relationship under new, more favorable terms for the narcissist.
In doing so, the narcissist may exaggerate or fabricate stories that paint them in a poor light, thereby eliciting the victim’s pity. This not only attempts to instill guilt in the person but also creates a narrative in which the victim feels responsible for the narcissist’s emotional well-being. This can lead the victim to believe that any decision to distance themselves would be cruel or unfair, shifting the focus from the manipulation to the victim’s emotional responsibility.
This tactic of emotional manipulation also includes moments when the narcissist displays exceptionally loving or caring behavior, only to quickly revert to cold or distant tactics as soon as they sense they have regained control. This hot-and-cold cycle is intentionally confusing and serves to emotionally destabilize the victim, increasing their dependency on the narcissist for validation and affection.
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Number 5: False Accusations.
This method is a form of direct attack aimed at destabilizing and confusing the victim, forcing them to defend themselves against baseless and often absurd accusations. When narcissists resort to false accusations, they not only distort reality but also create an environment where the victim constantly finds themselves on the defensive. These accusations can range from claiming that the victim is the true narcissist in the relationship to accusing them of manipulation, betrayal, or other behaviors that the victim has not engaged in.
This type of accusation is particularly insidious because it puts the victim in a position where they must prove their innocence, even though there is no real basis for such a defense. These accusations can be shocking, leaving the victim confused and uncertain about how to respond. The narcissist’s goal through this confusion and destabilization is to regain some measure of control or at least divert attention from their own inappropriate behavior. By accusing the victim, the narcissist also seeks to sow doubt about the victim’s character and credibility among others, leading to further isolation and limiting their support from outside sources.
Additionally, narcissists often project their own faults and insecurities onto the victim in these accusations. They accuse others of the very actions or intentions they harbor a tactic known as projection. This not only confuses the victim but also attempts to convince others that the victim is the one causing problems, while in reality, it is the narcissist who is causing harm. This type of manipulation is a clear strategy to undermine the victim and strengthen the narcissist’s power, ensuring that they retain control or at least avoid being seen as the real problem in the relationship dynamic.
Related: Top 10 Things That Make the Covert Narcissist Panic
Number 6: Smear Campaign.
When a narcissist realizes they are losing control over someone, one of the most malicious tactics they may employ is a smear campaign. This strategy involves spreading rumors, lies, and half-truths to discredit the victim in the eyes of friends, family, and sometimes even the broader public. The smear campaign typically begins with false accusations, as mentioned above, but expands into a systematic effort to destroy the victim’s reputation. The narcissist may tell stories that portray the victim as unstable, dishonest, or even dangerous, depending on the context and nature of the relationship.
In this way, the narcissist not only tries to regain control over the victim but also ensures that no one else wants to have anything to do with them if they can’t exert the desired influence. This tactic also serves to isolate the victim, stripping them of social and often professional support. As people around the victim begin to doubt their credibility or character, they may distance themselves or hesitate to offer necessary support, making the victim even more vulnerable to the narcissist’s control and manipulation.
Moreover, the smear campaign can provoke a defensive reaction from the victim, who, feeling attacked and misunderstood, may become more focused on defending their image than on protecting themselves from the narcissist’s manipulation. This defensive reaction can serve the narcissist’s purpose of keeping the victim entangled in the abusive dynamic.
Furthermore, narcissists are skilled at choosing the right audience for their smear campaigns, typically targeting those who are already predisposed to believe negative things about the victim or who can be easily influenced by the narcissist’s charm and persuasiveness. In this way, the smear campaign spreads like wildfire, causing extensive and often irreparable damage to the victim’s reputation.
Read more: 7 Things Narcissists Do When They Feel Unobserved
Number 7: Physical or Verbal Aggression.
This behavior is typically a last resort when all other manipulative tactics have failed, and the narcissist feels desperate to reassert their dominance and control. Physical aggression may include threats, intimidation, or actual physical harm, while verbal aggression often involves shouting, insults, or verbal threats. In both cases, the purpose is the same: to instill fear in the victim and force them to submit to the narcissist’s demands or control.
The use of aggression is a clear indication that the narcissist feels cornered and sees no other way to maintain their power. It is also a sign that they have lost their mask of charm and manipulation, revealing the full extent of their need for dominance. When a narcissist resorts to aggression, it is often a desperate attempt to regain control, and they may become increasingly unpredictable and dangerous. In some cases, the aggression may also take the form of coercive control, where the narcissist tries to dominate the victim’s daily life, restricting their freedom and making them feel powerless.
This kind of behavior is particularly dangerous because it can lead to escalating violence if not properly addressed. The victim may feel trapped and unable to escape the situation, especially if the aggression is combined with other forms of control, such as financial dependence or social isolation.
Therefore, it is crucial for anyone experiencing this kind of aggression to seek help and remove themselves from the situation as quickly as possible. The use of physical or verbal aggression is the final and most blatant attempt by the narcissist to regain control, and it is essential to recognize this as a clear warning sign that the situation is becoming increasingly dangerous.
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