MYTH 4: “Your issues attracted the narcissist” (the target selection truth)
Myth number four might be among the most painful ones to hear: “You attracted the narcissist because of your issues.” This is a very damaging myth because it suggests that somehow you caused, brought about, asked for, or deserved the abuse.
Allow me to be clear: No one deserves abuse, and you did not attract it because you’re flawed.
Here’s the truth that may surprise you: Narcissists don’t target people with issues necessarily. They specifically seek out kind, empathetic people with healthy relationship expectations. They look for people who are trusting, forgiving, and committed to making a relationship work.
Your positive qualities like giving second chances, seeing the best in others, being patient, and working hard to maintain connections were not weaknesses. They were your strengths that were very strategically exploited to harm you.
What works instead?
Recognizing that narcissists select targets specifically for their strengths, not their weaknesses. You were not chosen because you were damaged; you were chosen because you had so much to give.
Understanding this truth helps you see that the relationship was not a reflection of your worth but instead the calculated abuse patterns of the narcissist. They’ve likely done this before, and they’re almost certainly going to do it again with somebody new.
Real healing happens when you reclaim those positive qualities instead of seeing them as flaws. Your capacity for empathy, your trust, and your commitment are not weaknesses. They’re your superpowers when you share them with the right people.
Which of your strengths do you now realize was exploited in your relationship, and how can you reclaim it in a healthy way to live your best life?
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