In today’s topic, I will be giving you 10 signs that you’re most likely talking to a covert narcissist. Narcissism exists on a spectrum from mild to severe, and most narcissists, especially covert narcissists, have learned to conceal their symptoms in the early stages of a relationship.
However, fairly quickly, you will start to notice unusual things about the way they think, the way they behave, and the way they talk. Also, keep in mind that not all narcissists will show all of these signs all of the time.
Number 1: Boasting
Where grandiose narcissists typically boast openly about their achievements, a covert narcissist tends to brag more subtly. But they still want you to know every great thing they’ve ever accomplished, every important person they’ve ever associated with, how much money they make, how high their IQ is, and every cool thing they’ve ever done. They do this indirectly by dropping hints or making veiled references to their accomplishments and associations.
Regardless of the type of narcissist, their underlying motivation is the same: to seek validation and admiration. Now, if someone occasionally shares their successes, it doesn’t mean they’re a narcissist. But if they’re constantly going on about how special and important they are and looking for your validation, whether it’s in direct or indirect ways, then it is a warning sign.
Number 2: Gossiping and Bashing
Covert narcissists are constantly gossiping and bashing others as a way to elevate themselves. In some twisted way, putting people down makes them feel superior. So they talk badly about family members and friends, they will smear the reputation of exes and colleagues, and they will even say mean things about strangers.
No one is safe. They just can’t get enough of trash-talking and triangulating others. And if you try to say something positive or change the subject, they will undermine your positivity or act like you took what they said the wrong way. They’ll say, “I didn’t mean it in that way.” A covert narcissist often gossips bashes others, and plants seeds of doubt, disguising it as concern.
Read More: 5 Tell Tale Signs Of Narcissistic Collapse
For example, “Oh, poor Jenny, I feel so bad that her husband cheated on her. But you know, she gained all that weight.” And if you say something like, “Well, I don’t think it’s fair to associate his affair with her weight gain,” a covert narcissist will say something like, “That’s not what I meant. I was just saying that, you know, I can understand.” But then they go right back to trash-talking and fishing for gossip.
Number 3: They Criticize You
Covert narcissists don’t just stick to criticizing others; they will criticize you too. A covert narcissist will act like they are doing you a grand favor by being so honest with you, or they’ll wrap their criticism in a so-called compliment.
For example, they might say, “You’re pretty smart for someone who didn’t even go to college,” or “I admire how confident you are, even though you’re not conventionally attractive.”
And if you call them out on insulting you, they’ll say it was meant as a compliment, a joke, accuse you of being overly sensitive, or claim you’re taking things the wrong way.
Number 4: Unsolicited Advice
They can’t seem to just listen and be supportive. But where a grandiose narcissist will overtly assert their opinions and advice and tell you what your problem is even though you never asked, a covert narcissist will typically give their advice in more subtle and passive-aggressive ways.
For example, let’s say you’re stressed out at work. A narcissist might feign concern for a brief moment, especially if there’s any gossip to be had, but then they’ll go on to talk about when they had this same problem or offer any genuine support. They typically get very offended if you act superior by telling them what’s best for you.
Number 5: Playing the Victim
They excel at playing the victim in various situations, manipulating narratives to portray themselves as being misunderstood and treated unfairly. You will not be able to finish a story without them interrupting to talk about how they’ve suffered worse than you. It’s a lot of “poor me” and how everyone is to blame for whatever problems they’re having. A narcissist is never, ever the bad guy in their story, no matter how badly they’ve behaved. So pay attention when someone is quick to blame others but always has excuses for their bad behavior, unable to take any accountability for their role in the recurring relationship problems that they’re having.
Read More:
Super Empath vs Greater Narcissist, Shocking Insights from a Real Narcissist Inside!
10 Reasons Why Narcissists Want To Harm and Destroy Other People
Revenge On The Narcissist – Here’s How You Get It
Number 6: Self-Centered
Narcissists are incredibly self-centered. No matter how many times you try to create space for a mutually satisfying conversation, a narcissist will almost always shift the focus back to their favorite topic. So they go on long rants about themselves and whatever it is that they are interested in. You don’t get much opportunity to speak, and when you do, it’s guided by the narcissist.
For example, let’s say they ask what you like to do for fun, and you say, “Oh, I love hiking,” and you’re just about to tell them about a fun hiking trip you went on. But the narcissist says, “Oh, that’s great,” and they start telling you about all the hiking they’ve done or switch to their favorite activities with no real interest in you.
Or maybe they ask about your views on a certain subject, and then midway through your first sentence, they cut you off and go on a long monologue about what they think. They didn’t want your perspective; instead, they were creating an opening for themselves to talk about what they wanted to talk about.
Recommended: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.
So again, it’s a lot of one-way conversations. It’s not balanced or reciprocal. You don’t get much airtime. They don’t ask anything about you unless they’re creating an opening for themselves or fishing for gossip. There is a general pattern of disinterest in what you have to say and whatever it is that you might want to talk about.
Number 7: Fake Empathy
They may appear attentive and understanding when you’re talking about something that aligns with their interests or their ego. But they will quickly lose interest or become dismissive and disinterested when the conversation turns to something unrelated to them.
They’ll zone out, ignore you, and may cut you off in the middle of your sentence with comments that are completely unrelated to what you’re saying, never going back to what you were talking about.
They will also act or talk about how empathetic they are, yet you will quickly figure out that they are not empathetic at all. They’re not able to put themselves in your shoes or anyone else’s.
Number 8: Antagonistic
Grandiose narcissists are antagonistic; they typically love to argue and get off on baiting your emotions. A covert narcissist, on the other hand, is more defensive and will often resort to attacking your character when you disagree with their perspectives.
They take offense over trivial things, and once offended, anything you say or do to calm the situation or clarify the misunderstanding only fires them up further. Anything you say or do will be twisted until they either start raging or completely shut down.
Number 9: Unrealistic Expectations
Covert narcissists tend to have a long list of expectations and boundaries. They may have specific topics that they refuse to discuss, demands that they insist upon, and strange one-way boundaries. For instance, let’s say a covert narcissist expects you to respond to their texts or calls immediately, yet they feel entitled to answer your messages if and when they feel like it.
Even early on in the relationship, you’ll start to notice that their actions don’t match their words. They have huge lists of boundaries, but there are so many double standards. The rules are continuously changing depending on their mood or their needs.
Number 10: Label Others as Narcissists
Covert narcissists tend to label others as narcissists and abusers. This is a defense mechanism to project their undesirable traits, shame, and self-hatred onto others. It’s another way to gain validation and to try to influence others’ opinions and perceptions of people that they feel hurt or threatened by.
Read More: 5 Ways Your Silence Destroys a Narcissist
Sharing Is Caring!
